My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
