Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm lost and stupid without you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
