Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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