you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
