The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize