drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So much rum. So many feels.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
