you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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