I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
