I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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