Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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