What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
