Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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