Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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