We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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