you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
