Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
