My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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