So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
