Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize