My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
as a side note pls kill me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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