just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think my vagina is haunted
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Randomize
