So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My breasts were aching with rage.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
