hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize