i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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