If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
