I need help removing her.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize