I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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