You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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