My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
