Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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