Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
