She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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