Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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