My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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