she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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