My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
