nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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