My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
