96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
there is puke in my bra ... again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
