There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
