$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
