You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
