Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
