i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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