3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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