I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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