Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize