the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
