apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
