Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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