I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
