I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize