ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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