Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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