she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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