so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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