i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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