can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
