In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
